Sunday, February 15, 2015

MOVIE REVIEW: 50 Shades of Grey

Have you ever watched an 80s porn?  I watched this goofy one about George and Martha Washington.  No plot and lots of sex.

That just about sums up 50 Shades of Grey.

Not completely though.  50 Shades tries really hard to make us believe there is a plot to this movie.  Whether it be a beautiful love story (I seriously couldn't believe I read that on a comment somewhere) or just how screwed up the world is and how people try their hardest to overcome obstacles, there is an attempt at a plot.

Without dragging out the whole story (especially since most have read the book or at least have a general understanding of what the book is about), a brief synopsis of the movie's version is that Bella...oops.  I mean Ana *note sarcasm* is a young woman who has never found anyone that she liked enough to be more than friends with until she meets Christian.

Christian, in his own "50 shades of F***ed up" can't tell that Ana's innocence really means virgin and brings her into his Dom/Sub lifestyle.

And Ana follows along because she just can't leave him alone.  *insert moth to flame idioms*

And Christian lets her because he just can't leave her alone.

So they have sex.  Lots of it.  Because Christian doesn't do romance.  He F***s.  Hard.

What did I like about the movie?  My favorite part of the book was the emails back and forth.  I liked how they incorporated it into the movie by posting "text" balloons beside the character on the screen.  The only disappointing part was that you didn't get all the fun stuff of the subject lines and signatures changing per email like they did in the book which I thought was clever and fun, an attempt that tried to develop the characters.

I loved the gliding scene.  I can't even describe how happy that made me.

I was truly impressed with the Red Room of Pain.  Wow.  Talk about the equipment he had available to him.  Canes, floggers, ropes, pulleys, handcuffs.  Any true S&M enthusiast would be jealous.

What didn't I like?  Boobies.  There was just too much of Dakota Johnson's full naked body and not enough of Jamie Dornan.  Not that I was necessarily excited about Dornan, but when you consider what we were watching I'd have liked it to be slightly more even, especially since this was supposed to be a woman's skin flick.

Anything else I didn't like?  Well, probably the fact that reading most of what is written in the, albeit poorly written novel, is at least private.  Hearing those same words come out of the actors' mouths on screen with 100 of my not-so-closest friends?  Awkward.

What would I rate it?  About 2 Stars out of 5.  There wasn't a lot of development, although I'm assuming that is because they figure most who go see it have read the book so they don't need to work on the development.  I think they forgot that the characters were poorly developed in the book though.

Will I see the other two if they ever make the big screen?  Yeah.  I mean, what the hell, right?  It can't get any worse.

Can it?

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

BOOK REVIEW: 50 Shades of Grey by EL James

I realize that this book has been out for a couple years, but I feel I should get my review in before I see the movie that is coming out tomorrow night. 

First off, I started out really excited and enjoying the book.  I’m a huge fan of romance/smut novels and have read blogs on how difficult it is to write a good sex scene, one that is believable.  It didn't take me the entire book to realize that was not what I was going to get.

Don’t get me wrong.  I couldn't put it down.  I've read all three in the series.  More than once.  But I was truly disappointed.

First off, what virgin can give the best blow job ever on her first time, including swallowing?

There were LOTS of sex scenes, and none of them were ever really developed.  There was some form of sex on just about every other page, but because of how quickly Ana would orgasm, they just never seemed to get off the ground.  I’m not saying every sex scene needs to be developed but a good portion of them should be.

Anastasia talks about her body like she’s 12 using terminology like “down there” or (worse yet) calling Christian’s abdominal hair his “happy trail”.  Who talks like that?

My favorite part of the books were the email messages that they would send back and forth.  I love seeing how they flirted with each other, plus is was a good moment to develop foreplay between them, getting you ready for the next time they were together.

The worst part of the book though?  All the similarities between Ana and Christian to Bella and Edward.  I realize that this was the reason behind the book, to give us a “grown up” version of Twilight, but if I want a “grown up” version of something, they had better be in their 30s and have had some life experiences.

On the bright side…it did give me some ideas of things to try. ;) 

Monday, February 9, 2015

Common Sense Rule #79

When you haven't done a full clean for 2 1/2 years, expect to fill the garbage can the day they dump it.

Life has a way of getting away from you.  I've gotten first-hand knowledge of this as I've been going through the house after finishing my final semester at college.  It comes in the form of garbage bags.

Do you realize how many bags of garbage you can fill when you are going through kids' school papers from last year?  I'm not talking before Christmas break.  The 2013-14 school year.

It makes me wonder what I was thinking every time I emptied a folder.  And then set the papers to the side.

Not only that mess, but just a general pile up of papers.  And books.  And all kinds of crap.

I am not generally that kind of person.  I don't like clutter.  I don't consider myself a hoarder (although I do save certain things).  I just had other things to think about and do so lots of things went by the wayside.

The worst part is that, after this many years of no one doing a ton of "extra" things, no one wants to get their hands dirty and do them now either.

Why am I putting this out there?  Potentially embarrassing myself by showing how unorganized this organized person has become?  Accountability.

Now I just need to get it done to prove I can.