MOVIE REVIEW: 50 Shades of Grey

Have you ever watched an 80s porn?  I watched this goofy one about George and Martha Washington.  No plot and lots of sex.

That just about sums up 50 Shades of Grey.

Not completely though.  50 Shades tries really hard to make us believe there is a plot to this movie.  Whether it be a beautiful love story (I seriously couldn't believe I read that on a comment somewhere) or just how screwed up the world is and how people try their hardest to overcome obstacles, there is an attempt at a plot.

Without dragging out the whole story (especially since most have read the book or at least have a general understanding of what the book is about), a brief synopsis of the movie's version is that Bella...oops.  I mean Ana *note sarcasm* is a young woman who has never found anyone that she liked enough to be more than friends with until she meets Christian.

Christian, in his own "50 shades of F***ed up" can't tell that Ana's innocence really means virgin and brings her into his Dom/Sub lifestyle.

And Ana follows along because she just can't leave him alone.  *insert moth to flame idioms*

And Christian lets her because he just can't leave her alone.

So they have sex.  Lots of it.  Because Christian doesn't do romance.  He F***s.  Hard.

What did I like about the movie?  My favorite part of the book was the emails back and forth.  I liked how they incorporated it into the movie by posting "text" balloons beside the character on the screen.  The only disappointing part was that you didn't get all the fun stuff of the subject lines and signatures changing per email like they did in the book which I thought was clever and fun, an attempt that tried to develop the characters.

I loved the gliding scene.  I can't even describe how happy that made me.

I was truly impressed with the Red Room of Pain.  Wow.  Talk about the equipment he had available to him.  Canes, floggers, ropes, pulleys, handcuffs.  Any true S&M enthusiast would be jealous.

What didn't I like?  Boobies.  There was just too much of Dakota Johnson's full naked body and not enough of Jamie Dornan.  Not that I was necessarily excited about Dornan, but when you consider what we were watching I'd have liked it to be slightly more even, especially since this was supposed to be a woman's skin flick.

Anything else I didn't like?  Well, probably the fact that reading most of what is written in the, albeit poorly written novel, is at least private.  Hearing those same words come out of the actors' mouths on screen with 100 of my not-so-closest friends?  Awkward.

What would I rate it?  About 2 Stars out of 5.  There wasn't a lot of development, although I'm assuming that is because they figure most who go see it have read the book so they don't need to work on the development.  I think they forgot that the characters were poorly developed in the book though.

Will I see the other two if they ever make the big screen?  Yeah.  I mean, what the hell, right?  It can't get any worse.

Can it?

BOOK REVIEW: 50 Shades of Grey by EL James

I realize that this book has been out for a couple years, but I feel I should get my review in before I see the movie that is coming out tomorrow night. 

First off, I started out really excited and enjoying the book.  I’m a huge fan of romance/smut novels and have read blogs on how difficult it is to write a good sex scene, one that is believable.  It didn't take me the entire book to realize that was not what I was going to get.

Don’t get me wrong.  I couldn't put it down.  I've read all three in the series.  More than once.  But I was truly disappointed.

First off, what virgin can give the best blow job ever on her first time, including swallowing?

There were LOTS of sex scenes, and none of them were ever really developed.  There was some form of sex on just about every other page, but because of how quickly Ana would orgasm, they just never seemed to get off the ground.  I’m not saying every sex scene needs to be developed but a good portion of them should be.

Anastasia talks about her body like she’s 12 using terminology like “down there” or (worse yet) calling Christian’s abdominal hair his “happy trail”.  Who talks like that?

My favorite part of the books were the email messages that they would send back and forth.  I love seeing how they flirted with each other, plus is was a good moment to develop foreplay between them, getting you ready for the next time they were together.

The worst part of the book though?  All the similarities between Ana and Christian to Bella and Edward.  I realize that this was the reason behind the book, to give us a “grown up” version of Twilight, but if I want a “grown up” version of something, they had better be in their 30s and have had some life experiences.

On the bright side…it did give me some ideas of things to try. ;) 

Common Sense Rule #79

When you haven't done a full clean for 2 1/2 years, expect to fill the garbage can the day they dump it.

Life has a way of getting away from you.  I've gotten first-hand knowledge of this as I've been going through the house after finishing my final semester at college.  It comes in the form of garbage bags.

Do you realize how many bags of garbage you can fill when you are going through kids' school papers from last year?  I'm not talking before Christmas break.  The 2013-14 school year.

It makes me wonder what I was thinking every time I emptied a folder.  And then set the papers to the side.

Not only that mess, but just a general pile up of papers.  And books.  And all kinds of crap.

I am not generally that kind of person.  I don't like clutter.  I don't consider myself a hoarder (although I do save certain things).  I just had other things to think about and do so lots of things went by the wayside.

The worst part is that, after this many years of no one doing a ton of "extra" things, no one wants to get their hands dirty and do them now either.

Why am I putting this out there?  Potentially embarrassing myself by showing how unorganized this organized person has become?  Accountability.

Now I just need to get it done to prove I can.

Common Sense Rule #2

If I’m ringing up your purchases, you don’t need to ask if I work here.

So I'm standing behind the register and a gentleman walks up and places his purchases down.  I begin scanning them.  His comment?  "Do you work here?"

Seriously?  Why would you even ask me that?  Because a lot of people stand at registers ringing up purchases for the hell of it?  Because my shirt with the company logo wasn't enough to tell you that I work there?

Why do people feel the need to ask the obvious?  Even I'm guilty of it.  I'll walk into a room, look at someone and ask what they are doing, even when it's pretty obvious.

This is where we need to get back to thinking before we speak.  Ask what they are watching, what they are reading, what they are playing.  Be specific.  Engage a real conversation, not just a superficial one that is going to cause eye rolling because it's pretty obvious what they are doing.

How my story ended?  Well, I think my sarcasm got the better of me at that point because I looked at him and said "Would I be standing behind the register if I didn't?"

Even better?  All he really wanted was to talk to the manager to explain that he did not find it appropriate that we sold adult magazines in the back corner of the store.  Thank you for your opinion.  I'll pass the message along.

Common Sense Rule #97

Sometimes being selfish is OK.

Huh?

I was speaking with a girlfriend at school today.  We were discussing her plans following graduation and her dilemma as to whether she should go on to grad school or not.

Mind you, this isn't just her life we were discussing, but her fiance's as well.

She said that she didn't think it was fair to him for her to choose to go on to grad school because she knows how she is when she goes to school: very self-involved with practices and homework, a perfectionist, and last but not least, not a very social person.  How could she put him through more of that when he's been very understanding so far and has a good job that he enjoys here?

We discussed the pros and cons of grad school and doing it now, while she's young, and waiting to possibly return to it as she gets older.  And, as it always does with us and this conversation, we got around to children.

It's hard.  Very hard.

My first two years at Iowa Lakes really weren't too difficult for our family.  Really, my class schedule was not much different than having a day job.  Most days I took the kids to school.  Most days I picked them up in the afternoon.  Very seldom did I miss events, although it did happen on occasion, just like it does with working parents.

Then I started at Buena Vista.

That first semester was the hardest.  I cried almost every morning on my way to school.  

We were having problems at home.  Arguing.  Chores weren't getting done.  Homework wasn't getting done.  No one was happy.  I was missing everything.  

Then I cried almost every night on my way home from school.

I hated the thought of walking into the house with the arguing.  Knowing laundry wasn't getting done.  Knowing I could be up late to help someone accomplish homework that should have been done before I got home.

I felt it was selfish of me to spend this much time away from my family.  Especially, as I was reminded, since I wasn't really sure what my final goal and plans were at the end of the degree.

I was a mess.

How do you explain that my experience at 36 is no different than any other college student, except that they are being selfish at 18, when they have no one but themselves to answer for it?  A 14-year-old girl doesn't understand that.  How could she when her father doesn't even understand it?

But I stormed ahead thinking someday someone may look back and realize that this was just something I had to do.  For myself.  Even if it took me away from them for a while.

And maybe even be proud of me for being selfish.

Common Sense Rule #1

If you don’t want to be carded, don’t partake in activities that require age limits.

It's amazing how many people come in, purchase beer, cigarettes, or lottery tickets and get mad when you card them.  I'm not talking a huff and walking out the door either.  I'm talking tantrum throwing, name calling, full out rage.

Most places you go to purchase these items will card you based on how you look.  It used to be if you looked younger than 27.  Then they bumped it to 40.  The policy where I work?  It says 50.  Some places card you no matter what.

Why do you suppose there are these rules?  These rules are in place to protect the business and the employees.  Do you realize how big the fine is for selling to a minor?  Well, my fine would be about $800, and that's not including the fine the business gets as well.  Plus I'd lose my job.

Do you really want to be responsible for me losing my job?

So the next time you get carded...take it as a compliment and realize that the person behind the counter probably needs their job as badly as you need the beer or cigarettes you are purchasing.

Whether I like my job or not (and don't worry Amber, I really do), your ability to have another beer or cigarette isn't my concern.  It also isn't worth me losing my job over.

Common Sense Rule #35

When buying prophylactics, pay attention to the size on the box.  We don’t do trade-ins.

Ah...I haven't even touched on the number of people who purchase condoms from me.  Sometimes I wonder if they are trying to impress me, because really hun, stopping for condoms at 2a is really impressive.

My favorite night was when I had this scrawny little white boy come in.  He had gone over to the health and beauty aisle and chosen his purchase for the evening.  I almost laughed when he brought me up the package...

If that kid weighed more than 100 pounds soaking wet, I'd be surprised.

That very same night, this well-built, big black guy came in.  He, too, went to the health and beauty aisle.  His purchase?

Notice the lack of size?

Now, I'm a firm believer in safe sex, don't get me wrong, but that doesn't stop me from wondering what that scrawny white kid was gonna use those condoms for.